To Feel Infinite

Imagine feeling free from everything that surrounds you.
All the worries,
All the pain,
All the stress,
And all the shame.

Imagine being free to feel something greater
To feel love,
To feel beauty,
To feel you,
To feel infinite.

In a world that you exist and matter.

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As one door closes, another door opens

The first half of the year saw a lot of changes and a lot of growing up to do. I know its ironic for a 24 year to say that she needs to grow up when she already is an adult. But I guess there comes a time where you just have to face the reality that you’re an adult now and you have responsibilities. Trust me, this was the last thing I wanted to do, to leave my adolescent behind and despite all the kicking and screaming of not wanting to face the harsh fact that I’m older now, responsibilities stares me in the face and forces me to accept it. I know I’m being overly dramatic at the moment but a piece of me did not want to let go of my carefree days and the childlike innocence. But eventually I learned to let go and basically grow up and frankly it ain’t so bad after all. The past few months have been a rough journey to deal with and it pushed me way beyond my limits.

The first harsh reality that I had to face was the fact that I could not afford to continue studying. I had plans, Big Plans when the year started but everything fell through two weeks into college. It was a hard thing to deal with at that time and I was clueless on what I’m supposed to do. And then it hit me. I had to make a decision on my own on what my next step would be and boy it wasn’t easy. A lot of pondering, a lot of wallowing in self pity, a lot of questions to be answered and the list goes on. It was quite overwhelming. But I finally made a decision to quit college and get a job. Yes, I could have just transferred to another college which was cheaper and yes, I could have somehow made it work to get back to studying but something told me to try something new and change my course of direction. Another factor that made me choose to work was family responsibilities. Lets face it, my parents aren’t getting any younger and to put them through another two or three years of supporting me financially was not something I wanted to do. I decided that if I were to go back to school, I would do it when I’m financially secured and can support myself throughout the whole process. So then I came up with Plan B.

Plan B was to find a part time job that I could do for a few months, save up and go back to college. But the thing was I didn’t want just any job. I wanted to do what I studied for. I wanted to do what I love. So I applied everywhere I could possibly think of but most places wanted some sort of experience. Hence I wrote in applying for an internship to get said experience. I knew the pay was going to be close to nothing, but heck it I just wanted to write. I even came up with a plan to get a part time job to support myself during my internship. Sounds pretty complicated huh? But thankfully I didn’t have to do that. I landed a 3 months contract working as a editorial assistant/writer for a magazine. And those three months was the best 3 months I ever had. I learned a lot about the publication world and over some time I fell deeper in love with it. The feeling of seeing your article which you wrote being published with your name on it is truly a great feeling. Its not the bragging feeling but its like a sense of achievement in your life and I would say one of the proudest moments of my life. This is the first actually because I’ve never been proud of myself before this.

The people that I met throughout my working experience thought me a lot. It was fun. Attending events and meeting new people every week was fun. I always thought I’ll end up in the newspaper business but at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter where I was as long as I am writing.

Those three months came and went like the wind. The next thing I knew I was faced yet again with another crucial decision to be made. I came up with Plan C.

Plan C was to ask for a full time position and continue studying part time. But I think God had other plans for me. A month after I joined, they hired a full time writer thinking I wasn’t going to be there for long and at that moment I still was undecided on going back to school so when I finally made a decision it was rather too late. They did want to keep my in the company but I wouldn’t be doing what I wanted to do so I came up with Plan D.

Plan D was simple (at least in my head it was), thinking that now I had the experience I could easily get another job and move on. As easy as I though it was, it WASN’T. The whole process of sending out resumes and anxiously waiting for a reply took a toil on me. And the sudden stir with my mum’s health made matters worse. I felt pretty much useless at one point. I prayed and prayed for help but I guess God wanted to me to wait for awhile longer, to put everything that was going on in my head into perspective. And I just snapped out of it. He made me realize that He has great plans for me, its just that I would have to be patient and except every hurdle and difficulty that comes my way with a brave heart because there is a reason for everything. And true enough, the one company that I set my eyes on from the very beginning responded to my email. Long story short, I am now employed and am about to do what I love doing. =)

Truth be told, I wouldn’t have been able to do it, if I didn’t put my trust in God, if I didn’t have someone like you (Adrian Arvin Anthony) encouraging me, believing in me every step of the way and if I didn’t make that call to Sr. Yvonne moments before I entered for my second interview. I believe that they are God sent. Placed in my life for a purpose. And for that I am grateful for everything that life gives me or even throws at me for that matter because I came out of it stronger than before. This marks a new beginning for me. Whether it works out or not, I don’t know. I’m not going to predict how things are going to turn out to be either because whatever that comes my way I’ll accept it humbly as His will for He knows whats best for me. Like I said everything happens for a reason.

“But He said to me, ” My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you”. So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can live in me. For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10e

 

It’s time we open our eyes Part 1

The past weekend was a rather enlightening two days of my life that I’ve experience in the longest time ever. It got me thinking about how little we see or realize about whats going on around us. I guess everyone is just so occupied with their own life that everything centers around me, me, me. I know I’m guilty of that. 

Saturday, after a very long time I attended an event organized by ASAYO, called the Compassion Walk in conjunction with Lent. Seeing all the familiar faces and meeting up with people whom I haven’t seen in ages brings back memories of Love & Life camps and other church activities that I used to do. I can’t help but miss it. Things was so much fun and the people you met became the closest friends back then but now it’s only at occasions like these that we see each other again. It’s kinda sad thinking about it. Sigh..

Anyways, back to what this post is all about before I get carried away again. This year’s Compassion Walk was held in Port Klang. I didn’t make it for last year walk because I was working so I thought I’ll give it a try this year since I’ve heard many good reviews about it.

740 people registered this year so you can just imagine the crowd. We were all broken up into groups and given a task to complete. Some of the groups had to go to the housing area offering help or just having a chat with them. The rest of us took it to the streets. We were given two apples each and had a choice to either eat it or offer it to someone on the street. Of course everyone was in the giving mood so we headed out to the streets in search of migrant workers, beggars, underprivileged or any disable people.

For me everything seemed different. I never really looked for people living in the streets before or paid any attention to the migrant workers. But when you are actually out in search for them your whole perception changes. You realize how poor lives are led. Buildings and architectures looks ancient and rundown. People who go about living everyday in small shops or under the hot sun to earn that small amount of money for their family. You get a glimpse of how harsh life is to them.

We met this man who was painting a shop and had a small chat with him. An Indonesian man who is here with his wife but his children are all back home in Indonesia works odd jobs to provide for his family. Despite all that, he was all smiles and even shared a few jokes with us. I imagined what it would be like to be him  working under the blistering hot sun, away from his kids and earning a small sum of money. If it was me, I don’t think I could take life that easily and neither would I be all smiles like he was.

I guess we are all too comfortable in our luxurious lifestyle that if we were to swap places with any of these people we won’t be able to survive. People in general are too caught with material possessions and we have raised our expectations so high that its impossible to live a simple life.

There was also a beggar which we came across as we walking. Although we didn’t go up and talk to him as another group was already doing that, we later heard that this poor old man was chased out of his house because his daughter in law didn’t like him living with them. He now lives on the streets finding shelter and scrapes of food wherever he can. I will never be able to understand humans at times. How could you possibly chase someone out who raised you up just because your spouse doesn’t like them? If at all there are conflicts between the family, isn’t it better to reach a compromise or find another solution instead of kicking them out? How ungrateful can a person be? This infuriates me to know that people can be so heartless as to do such a thing to your own parents.

We also encountered a man who seems slightly off if you know what I mean. We offered him an apple and he ended up stalking us for awhile. Instead of running away like we always do when we meet such a person, we stopped and a bunch of us entertained him for a bit. Society shuns these people because of the fear instilled in us that they are violent and well, crazy. But sometimes they too need someone to listen to them. Although they ramble on about nonsensical things but there is no harm offering a kind gesture to them. I’m not asking you to walk up to a mad person and be nice to them because not everyone is as harmless as the guy we met but just not to disregard them in society. They are still human beings whether sane or insane.

It was a real eye opener for me as I am someone who is rather oblivious to my surroundings. I never actually notice or paid any attention to these people. But now I would like to believe that I see things rather differently. I am grateful that I have been blessed with many things which before this I used to complain and whine about when things don’t go my way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m more appreciative of all that I have and I’m more aware of the less fortunate people around me. I believe that if everyone does a small act of kindness to these people, be it sharing your food with them, contributing whatever spare change you have to them, joining a charity organization or simply just asking how they are doing; that would be enough to put a smile on their face as someone cared enough to do so. Like the theme of the event says BE DIFFERENT. Why should we conform to what society wants us to be? Its time we ourselves make a difference instead of waiting for someone else to do it.

 

To that special someone…

Okay so things haven’t been working out the way I imagined it would be. Or rather I haven’t been living up to my own expectations. Its been a rough couple of weeks and I was on the brink of losing it. Who knew making a decision would be so hard? Or maybe it was just me and my fickle mindedness that interfered every time I decided on something. 

Truth be told, despite all my efforts to be optimistic about everything I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. The past few days I whined, complained, argued and got angry over the smallest and stupidest things. I was in hypersensitive mode. I took it out on the people I loved. Or rather one person.

So this post is dedicated specially to you (you know who you are) =)

I know I put you through a lot and I know it’s not easy handling me at times. You saw the worst of me and yet you remained calm and never lost your cool. I know I annoyed your soul with all the silly arguments I had with you but you humbly accepted the blame and was the first to apologize even when it wasn’t your fault to begin with. You had to deal with my sudden burst of emotions and  endure hours of me complaining and whining about things. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be with these past few days. I was being a total bitch and I’m sorry about that. 

Thank you for being with me every step of the way. For encouraging me and believing in me. Thank you most of all for knocking some sense into me. You really did make me see a lot of things and you knew from the start what I really wanted to do and that amazes me. You just made me fall in love with you a little bit more. =) Thank you for being the shoulder to cry on when no one else would. You have been a blessing in my life and I think God sent you in my life for a reason. For that I’ll be forever grateful to Him. You really are an amazing person. =)

So yea. I know it’s a sappy post but he totally deserves it for the hell I’ve put him through.

The decision had been made and it’s time to execute it without giving up! =)

New Year, New Challenges.

I just realized that the last time I updated this blog was Jan of 2011 and now its Jan 2012. It’s amazing how time flies and how I’ve neglected this space for a long time. I shall not dwell on the reason’s why because its pointless at this time.

Anyways, it’s a whole new year and although I haven’t been writing here, I have been writing quite a bit. So here is what I wrote for the new year.

“The year 2011 has been like a roller coaster ride for me. Emotionally. The year began full of excitement and anticipation. It has been kind to me but also cruel to me. It showed me what it was like to fall in love and be swept off my feet. It showed me moments that filled me with awe and wonder. It showed me what it feels like for time  to stand still and wishing that moment would not end. It showed me my accomplishment and hard work being paid off.

Besides the good stuffs, It did give me hard lessons to learn. It thought me that life is a never-ending learning process. It’s filled with disappointment and hurt but you should never let it overcome you. It brings grief and bad news and it teaches you that tomorrow might not be possible to some people or even to yourself. It thought me to grow up and not take shit from people.

It thought me there are many different kinds of friendships, some good, some bad and some that still leaves a question mark in your head. It thought me to see that everybody has flaws and the world is not perfect. But it’s how you yourself make it to be is what brings happiness and joy to yourself and those around you. It’s not always easy. Too many pent-up emotions, too many unnecessary dramas and too many jumping to conclusions without thinking rationally. It’s all jumbled up and as you begin to let it go, it comes out wrongly or you hurt the person you love the most without realizing it.

Unsolved issues of the past came back haunting and taking it out on someone is somehow always the first choice but never the right one. Many mistakes made, many tears shed, many unkind words said and many actions regretted. But that’s part of learning and growing up isn’t it? The many times you fall, just makes you stronger as you pick yourself up again. It’s never easy but optimism gets you further than negativity would in a million years. With that being said, I hope the new year brings me more hard lesson to learn but I also hope that I can deal with the issues I’m dealing with in a more calm manner and not pull others into it. I also hope the coming year would bring me closer to God. Something I really need to work hard on”

This was something I wrote before the year ended. And as soon as the year started I was smacked in the face with reality. Don’t get me wrong, it started off with a bang and I still think it’s gonna be a good year for me. Just did not expect that as soon as I turned 24, I was going to be facing my greatest challenge so far. Remember the hard lesson that I hope I would face earlier on? Well it’s happening in all its glory now. I am forced to make a life altering decision that could shape my entire future differently.

Although I haven’t quite made up my mind on what my next step is going to be and I’m still weighing in all the options available to me but I’m looking at it optimistically. There were times where I felt like crap but when I pray, He assures me that everything is going to be fine. Right now I’ve come to a complete stop at a dead-end but I believe that He would create a new pathway for me. He said so himself. Whatever my decision is at the end of the day, I hope.. No.. I KNOW that  it would turn out to be great. With Him by my side, I’m taking this challenge head on and I’ll embrace whatever the future holds for me. Taking it one day at a time but I do believe that my dreams will become a reality. It’s just that I’ve got to take the hard way but I think I’ll gain more out of this than I ever would. There is a reason for everything. So here’s to the New Year, to my first challenge and to the future. Cheers! =)

Being a slob and a bum…

Holidays are always fun. The first two days at least. I get to catch up on my well deserved sleep which I lack during my semester with late nights dissecting my brains into tiny little pieces doing assignments and studying for exams. So yes, when holidays start its like a sleep fest for me.

After that two days, everything starts becoming so dull and it gets so boring that I literally feel like putting a bullet through my head. The couch has been molded to my shape and the tv is on almost 24/7. And did I mention how boring being on facebook or any other social networking websites are when you have absolutely nothing else to do???

Randomly stalking people on facebook brings no more entertainment than it should be and so does randomly reading people’s blogs. Like  a friend of mine recently said although he used it on a person, I would use on me. My life is like watching paint dry at this moment. Its mind boggling if you are in the mental asylum.

This is what I do, watch tv, eat, sleep, do shit online, watch tv, read, eat, eat, eat and sleep. I won’t be surprise if I won’t be able to fit in into some of my clothes at the end of my holidays. If my life was a reality tv drama, it would have gotten the razzie award. Well at least I would be know of something. One can dream right?

Even phineas and Ferb have more fun during their summer vacation than I do!!!

p.s I want to be a cartoon character maybe one of the characters in rugrats or phineas and ferb.

Anyways, its 3.06am and I’m off to watch Kim Possible… *call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me (sings along)

Thaipusam 2011 =)

Thaipusam, a day of penance and thanksgiving celebrated by Hindus world-wide that attracts thousands of devotees and not to mention tourist to any Murugan temple. This year marked my first visit to the Batu Caves temple during thaipusam. And it was remarkable. Being a person who enjoys learning about other people’s culture and religion, it was an experience not to be missed. Although it took me such a long time to actually attend thaipusam in Batu Caves, I’m glad I did it at this age and now. If I would have gone earlier, I would not have fully enjoyed it. Might even be a little freaked out if I was a kid. It was truly a sight to see.

A brief history on Thaipusam..

It is dedicated to Lord Muruga (Son of Shiva and Parvati) to mark his triumph in defeating the demon army of Tarakasura and evil deeds. On this day, Goddess Parvati presented a lance to Lord Muruga to complete his impending quest. It is a celebration of victory. Devotees gives thanksgiving by offering fruits and flowers. Most of them come adorn in yellow or orange coloured attires as it is said to be Lord Muruga’s favourite colour.

The “Kavadi” that is carried by some devotees which is covered with cloth and decorated with peacock feathers signifies the vehicle of Lord Muruga. Some go to the extreme length of torturing their bodies with piercings to appease the Lord. They poke themselves with hooks, skewers and small lances called ‘vel’. Chariots and heavy objects are pulled with hooks attached to their bodies while others pierce their tongues and cheeks to refrain from talking and offer their full concentration on their Lord. These devotees  would normally enter into a trance during the piercing due to the relentless drumming and chanting of “vel vel shakti vel” by friends and family.

For Batu Caves, the procession would start from the Sri Mariamman temple in the heart of KL town and would work its way to Batu Caves the day before Thaipusam. Devotees would follow the chariot and offer their thanksgiving and penance at the top of Batu Caves where the temple is situated in the caves. There is also where their piercings are removed by the swami (Hindu priest) after prayers are said. I never knew the reason behind the whole celebration until recently and after asking around and doing some research on it, I finally get it.

It was scary at first watching some of them in their trance like state, but after a while I got used to it and just had fun snapping away. Some of the pictures I have uploaded on Facebook. (The only downside of WordPress it that you can’t upload pictures that are big or large amounts of them. Or maybe I just don’t know how to do it. =S)

The crowd was massive. The sight was enlightening. The people were rather well-behaved considering the many stories I have heard before this. The shots were awesome. We always managed to be at the right place and at the right time to take photos. The sounds of the instruments that accompanies the devotees on their journey lightens up the atmosphere and the devotion they have for their Lord clearly seen on their faces. The mixed crowd of Indians, Chinese, Malays and foreigners gives of a sense of unity a festival can bring. That is why Thaipusam is known as one of the biggest festivals celebrated in Malaysia and other countries as well. For those who have never been to thaipusam  before, I recommend you try it at least once if you don’t mind the crowd to fully experience the whole event.

It was an experience that I do not regret going for and rather insightful. So whats next??? =D