To that special someone…

Okay so things haven’t been working out the way I imagined it would be. Or rather I haven’t been living up to my own expectations. Its been a rough couple of weeks and I was on the brink of losing it. Who knew making a decision would be so hard? Or maybe it was just me and my fickle mindedness that interfered every time I decided on something. 

Truth be told, despite all my efforts to be optimistic about everything I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. The past few days I whined, complained, argued and got angry over the smallest and stupidest things. I was in hypersensitive mode. I took it out on the people I loved. Or rather one person.

So this post is dedicated specially to you (you know who you are) =)

I know I put you through a lot and I know it’s not easy handling me at times. You saw the worst of me and yet you remained calm and never lost your cool. I know I annoyed your soul with all the silly arguments I had with you but you humbly accepted the blame and was the first to apologize even when it wasn’t your fault to begin with. You had to deal with my sudden burst of emotions and  endure hours of me complaining and whining about things. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be with these past few days. I was being a total bitch and I’m sorry about that. 

Thank you for being with me every step of the way. For encouraging me and believing in me. Thank you most of all for knocking some sense into me. You really did make me see a lot of things and you knew from the start what I really wanted to do and that amazes me. You just made me fall in love with you a little bit more. =) Thank you for being the shoulder to cry on when no one else would. You have been a blessing in my life and I think God sent you in my life for a reason. For that I’ll be forever grateful to Him. You really are an amazing person. =)

So yea. I know it’s a sappy post but he totally deserves it for the hell I’ve put him through.

The decision had been made and it’s time to execute it without giving up! =)

New Year, New Challenges.

I just realized that the last time I updated this blog was Jan of 2011 and now its Jan 2012. It’s amazing how time flies and how I’ve neglected this space for a long time. I shall not dwell on the reason’s why because its pointless at this time.

Anyways, it’s a whole new year and although I haven’t been writing here, I have been writing quite a bit. So here is what I wrote for the new year.

“The year 2011 has been like a roller coaster ride for me. Emotionally. The year began full of excitement and anticipation. It has been kind to me but also cruel to me. It showed me what it was like to fall in love and be swept off my feet. It showed me moments that filled me with awe and wonder. It showed me what it feels like for time  to stand still and wishing that moment would not end. It showed me my accomplishment and hard work being paid off.

Besides the good stuffs, It did give me hard lessons to learn. It thought me that life is a never-ending learning process. It’s filled with disappointment and hurt but you should never let it overcome you. It brings grief and bad news and it teaches you that tomorrow might not be possible to some people or even to yourself. It thought me to grow up and not take shit from people.

It thought me there are many different kinds of friendships, some good, some bad and some that still leaves a question mark in your head. It thought me to see that everybody has flaws and the world is not perfect. But it’s how you yourself make it to be is what brings happiness and joy to yourself and those around you. It’s not always easy. Too many pent-up emotions, too many unnecessary dramas and too many jumping to conclusions without thinking rationally. It’s all jumbled up and as you begin to let it go, it comes out wrongly or you hurt the person you love the most without realizing it.

Unsolved issues of the past came back haunting and taking it out on someone is somehow always the first choice but never the right one. Many mistakes made, many tears shed, many unkind words said and many actions regretted. But that’s part of learning and growing up isn’t it? The many times you fall, just makes you stronger as you pick yourself up again. It’s never easy but optimism gets you further than negativity would in a million years. With that being said, I hope the new year brings me more hard lesson to learn but I also hope that I can deal with the issues I’m dealing with in a more calm manner and not pull others into it. I also hope the coming year would bring me closer to God. Something I really need to work hard on”

This was something I wrote before the year ended. And as soon as the year started I was smacked in the face with reality. Don’t get me wrong, it started off with a bang and I still think it’s gonna be a good year for me. Just did not expect that as soon as I turned 24, I was going to be facing my greatest challenge so far. Remember the hard lesson that I hope I would face earlier on? Well it’s happening in all its glory now. I am forced to make a life altering decision that could shape my entire future differently.

Although I haven’t quite made up my mind on what my next step is going to be and I’m still weighing in all the options available to me but I’m looking at it optimistically. There were times where I felt like crap but when I pray, He assures me that everything is going to be fine. Right now I’ve come to a complete stop at a dead-end but I believe that He would create a new pathway for me. He said so himself. Whatever my decision is at the end of the day, I hope.. No.. I KNOW that  it would turn out to be great. With Him by my side, I’m taking this challenge head on and I’ll embrace whatever the future holds for me. Taking it one day at a time but I do believe that my dreams will become a reality. It’s just that I’ve got to take the hard way but I think I’ll gain more out of this than I ever would. There is a reason for everything. So here’s to the New Year, to my first challenge and to the future. Cheers! =)

Being a slob and a bum…

Holidays are always fun. The first two days at least. I get to catch up on my well deserved sleep which I lack during my semester with late nights dissecting my brains into tiny little pieces doing assignments and studying for exams. So yes, when holidays start its like a sleep fest for me.

After that two days, everything starts becoming so dull and it gets so boring that I literally feel like putting a bullet through my head. The couch has been molded to my shape and the tv is on almost 24/7. And did I mention how boring being on facebook or any other social networking websites are when you have absolutely nothing else to do???

Randomly stalking people on facebook brings no more entertainment than it should be and so does randomly reading people’s blogs. Like  a friend of mine recently said although he used it on a person, I would use on me. My life is like watching paint dry at this moment. Its mind boggling if you are in the mental asylum.

This is what I do, watch tv, eat, sleep, do shit online, watch tv, read, eat, eat, eat and sleep. I won’t be surprise if I won’t be able to fit in into some of my clothes at the end of my holidays. If my life was a reality tv drama, it would have gotten the razzie award. Well at least I would be know of something. One can dream right?

Even phineas and Ferb have more fun during their summer vacation than I do!!!

p.s I want to be a cartoon character maybe one of the characters in rugrats or phineas and ferb.

Anyways, its 3.06am and I’m off to watch Kim Possible… *call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me (sings along)

Thaipusam 2011 =)

Thaipusam, a day of penance and thanksgiving celebrated by Hindus world-wide that attracts thousands of devotees and not to mention tourist to any Murugan temple. This year marked my first visit to the Batu Caves temple during thaipusam. And it was remarkable. Being a person who enjoys learning about other people’s culture and religion, it was an experience not to be missed. Although it took me such a long time to actually attend thaipusam in Batu Caves, I’m glad I did it at this age and now. If I would have gone earlier, I would not have fully enjoyed it. Might even be a little freaked out if I was a kid. It was truly a sight to see.

A brief history on Thaipusam..

It is dedicated to Lord Muruga (Son of Shiva and Parvati) to mark his triumph in defeating the demon army of Tarakasura and evil deeds. On this day, Goddess Parvati presented a lance to Lord Muruga to complete his impending quest. It is a celebration of victory. Devotees gives thanksgiving by offering fruits and flowers. Most of them come adorn in yellow or orange coloured attires as it is said to be Lord Muruga’s favourite colour.

The “Kavadi” that is carried by some devotees which is covered with cloth and decorated with peacock feathers signifies the vehicle of Lord Muruga. Some go to the extreme length of torturing their bodies with piercings to appease the Lord. They poke themselves with hooks, skewers and small lances called ‘vel’. Chariots and heavy objects are pulled with hooks attached to their bodies while others pierce their tongues and cheeks to refrain from talking and offer their full concentration on their Lord. These devotees  would normally enter into a trance during the piercing due to the relentless drumming and chanting of “vel vel shakti vel” by friends and family.

For Batu Caves, the procession would start from the Sri Mariamman temple in the heart of KL town and would work its way to Batu Caves the day before Thaipusam. Devotees would follow the chariot and offer their thanksgiving and penance at the top of Batu Caves where the temple is situated in the caves. There is also where their piercings are removed by the swami (Hindu priest) after prayers are said. I never knew the reason behind the whole celebration until recently and after asking around and doing some research on it, I finally get it.

It was scary at first watching some of them in their trance like state, but after a while I got used to it and just had fun snapping away. Some of the pictures I have uploaded on Facebook. (The only downside of WordPress it that you can’t upload pictures that are big or large amounts of them. Or maybe I just don’t know how to do it. =S)

The crowd was massive. The sight was enlightening. The people were rather well-behaved considering the many stories I have heard before this. The shots were awesome. We always managed to be at the right place and at the right time to take photos. The sounds of the instruments that accompanies the devotees on their journey lightens up the atmosphere and the devotion they have for their Lord clearly seen on their faces. The mixed crowd of Indians, Chinese, Malays and foreigners gives of a sense of unity a festival can bring. That is why Thaipusam is known as one of the biggest festivals celebrated in Malaysia and other countries as well. For those who have never been to thaipusam  before, I recommend you try it at least once if you don’t mind the crowd to fully experience the whole event.

It was an experience that I do not regret going for and rather insightful. So whats next??? =D

A streak of bad luck

People say that bad luck happens three times in a row and true enough I had my streak of bad luck just before the clock struck 12am on New Year’s Eve.

First would be me clumsily burning myself with a curling iron. My first attempt at curling my hair proved a failure when I actually injured myself with it. The burn was pretty bad and I now have a huge scar on my neck which I am hoping it would heal properly and disappear.

The second would be me almost tripping and falling in church in front of so many people. Thank God I managed to stop myself from creating a scene and not to mention save myself the embarrassment. Sigh, it feels as though I have to left feet.

The third one is the one thing you nor I could have expected. These would be one of those moments where only you and you alone could say that you experience it. While waiting at the burger stall for my burger, a freaking RAT BIT ME!!!!!! I didn’t see it coming nor did I notice it near my leg until I felt the bite. Who would actually think that was possible? Of all the things that could happen that night, it had to be a rat biting my toe. Thank God, it was only a small puncture mark so I didn’t have to get a jab or anything. But still… a freaking RAT!!!!!

A friend of mine told me that maybe it was because I didn’t finish my quota of bad luck in 2010, that’s why it all happened in one day. What a day.. Well I’m just thankful that it all happened before the dawn of the new year. Now at least I can be the first and say that I have actually been bitten by rat before… hahaha… Happy New Year People.. Hope your new year celebration was bette than mine =)

Goodbye 2010…. Helloooooo 2011 =)

Its New Year’s Eve!!!!!!!!

Its been awhile since I updated my blog. Lets just say that 2010 took up a lot of my time. ME TIME especially. It was a year filled with hectic-ness and stress. Well there were other memorable moments that happened which I am truly grateful of. Let me recap those wonderful moments.

This year a lot of changes has been happening. Some because I wanted it and some happened without me realizing it. All in all the changes happened because it’s about time it did. These are the things that are important in my life.

College: Things has been really really hectic and stressful which I kinda do enjoy it although I whine and complain about it most of the time but chasing date lines always thrills me a bit. The thing about going to college at an older age makes you see a lot of things differently. Like how childish some 19 year olds can be and the ridiculous rumours people can come up with. To me, its entertaining to watch all of this and it amazes me at times on how people react to a certain issue. I’m no saint either. I have reacted in ways that I am not entirely proud of. You can’t avoid feeling irritated or angry at someone or something. But I think my patience level has increased over the years. However, that doesn’t mean you can test it. =) I think I have found a handful of friends in college which I hope that will last a lifetime. They are wonderful people who have really good hearts, although they love to bug me about my age but its fun hanging out with them. So thank you for the friendships that you guys have given me. I really appreciate it. =) So here’s to the few that actually makes me get up in the morning to go to college. I couldn’t have asked for more. May the remaining years of our lives be filled with much more fun and laughter. Love ya. Cheers =)

Close Friends: I have a few close friends of mine who has been through almost everything with me. They have seen my worse and its a miracle they still want to hang out with me. These few people are the ones that I cherish a lot as we have gone through ups and downs in life. We have had our fair share’s of arguments and have had our fair share of memorable moments. There is a part of me that I should give them credit for. They have made me matured in so many ways that I couldn’t imagine and its a blessing to have these few people around. Some whom I see almost every week and some whom I only get to see once or twice a year. Nonetheless, each and everyone one of you is important in my life and special in your own way. I thank each and everyone one of you for the moments that we have shared throughout our existence as friends. All the sadness, heartaches, bitterness, laughter, joy, the memorable moments that we have had and the many more memorable moments to come. It is through you guys that brings out the best of me. I’m sorry if there were any moment it your life’s that would have made you question our friendship or that I have disappointed you guys in any way possible. I suck at being a friend and am still learning to be a better one. So here’s to the many more years you guys have to be stuck with me. Love you guys a lot. Cheers. =)

Family: I am glad that this year the bond that I have with my mum has grown stronger. I guess it is true when you grow older the bond you share with your mum grows stronger. I am grateful that it did happened and I hope it continues to grow together with the rest of my family. Families are sometimes hard to live with but at the end of the day they are still your family. Blood is thicker than water. They are the ones that has been the constant figures in your life from the moment you open your eyes. To my family, my mum, my dad and my bro may we strengthen our bond as the years go by and may we be able to tolerate and live with each other through our worse and best behaviours that we each uniquely have. To the rest of my family, my uncles, aunties and cousins may we be able to overcome whatever obstacles that could threaten to break us with a strong heart and mind. We are family and we should stick together through thick and thin. I pray that whatever that has happened in the past, be forgotten and forgiven. So here’s to a year of strengthening bonds and forgiveness. Love ya. Cheers =)

Me: 2010 didn’t have much time for me. So for the coming year I’m going to change that. Not to sound selfish or anything but in order to help others, I got to help myself first and foremost. And that, I have been neglecting lately. If you have seen me in 2010, you would know how slacky I look. Not that I care what people think of me either but there is no harm trying to look good to make yourself feel better and motivated. So this year there is going to be wardrobe change. No more slackiness and no more bad hair do’s. The last one would be my toughest one yet since its something I constantly have a battle with. My hair. hahaha.. Anyways, besides my whole outlook change I need to change my attitude as well. No more PROCRASTINATION. This is something I say almost every year but has ever really changed much so I think I’ll just go with the flow on this one. Its time to see things differently and do things that I wouldn’t dare do before. I guess its time for a difference in my life. Out with the old and in with the new. So here’s to a hopefully stronger Me. Someone who can take on any obstacles that comes her way with her head held high. Cheers =)

God: This is the most important thing of all. My relationship with God. The relationship I had with Him started off strong beginning of the year and as time passed by, things started getting tougher and other worldly pleasures started taking over hence the relationship started getting weaker. I’m sorry for putting other things before You and for neglecting You most of the time. Whatever lessons that You tried to teach me, I couldn’t as I was too blind to see. I’m not going to make You another promise for the fear of breaking it as with all the promises I have made throughout my life. But I do hope that I am able to maintain what little bond that we still share if not strengthen it. This is something that I myself need to overcome and deal with so give me the strength to do what I am supposed to do and to not see it as an obligation. To actually do it because I want to and not because I have to. Thank You for being with me always even when I neglect to acknowledge You. Thank You for my family and friends and the people who I randomly meet as I know You work through them. I’m not going to ask You to make 2011 a better year for me, all I ask is that You will always be there through happiness and sadness and through any obstacles that comes my way. Guide me day by day to be a better human being. Thank You for everything. I am blessed of all the moments that I have experience in 2010. Amen.

Random people: For those who have walked into my life at one moment in time. Thank you for that brief moment. One way or another you have taught me something. Although it was not meant that you stay in my life forever but your presence did help me. Whatever has been done or said, I have forgotten and for the things that I have said and done I ask for forgiveness. The past is the past. I am not going to waste my time dwelling on it and neither should you. Moving forward without resentment or guilt is what I’m planing to do. If fate has it and our paths cross again, so be it if not I wish all of you the best in life. Cheers. =)

So here is to a wonderful New Year!!! Happy New Year Everyone!!

Anis is a f***king genius!!!!

“I know my life is like some highschool kid’s notebook,

That kid that shuffles back and forth between school and home,

stacking letters and the pictures too close for anyone outside his imagination to read

because its through the ink

that his heart beats,

that his heart breathes,

and we all wanted to write these notes

Check if you like me,

Check if you don’t,

Check if you will date me,

Check if you won’t,

because

We all wanted the love songs to be true

and we did love dinasours once.”

-Anis Mojgani, “Here Am I”-

The excerpt of his poem says it all, he is a fucking genius… His poems are so inspiring that all you want to do is to listen to him all day long.

For the rest of the poem go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQAC3WXOOWE&feature=related

Sleep uninterupted…

My mind keeps on running

Images and thoughts keeps flashing in my head

Even as I close my eyes to sleep, it doesn’t stop

Things of the past,

Things of the present,

Things of the future,

Why did I do what I did?

What am I doing now?

What am I going to do?

It plays like a broken record

Over and over again

Sometimes I wish there was an on/off button

to switch off whenever I need to sleep

Cease of all thoughts and memories

Nothing but blissful and peaceful sleep..

Its Slash baby!!!!!!! =) I’m soo dead =S

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO SEE SLASH IN CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its 7.30am and I’m already up and about. Why I got up early when I could have slept it?

1). I have an 8am class which I decided to skip since its PR lecture and I got a pretty cool lecturer so no harm done.

Why I am up this early again since I already decided to skip class?

2). The “genius” me have an assignment to pass up on sat which the “genius” me haven’t even started on and since its only thursday, ya’ll might be wondering why I’m rushing again. Well, the “genius” me won’t be around tonight since she will be at Sunway screaming her lungs out at Slash plus the “genius” me will be working tomorrow morning till sunday at the PC fair in KLCC. SO that means I have to finish up my assignment like NOW before I start about doing everything else. I’m such a procrastinator (no such word btw) that I think is hazardous to my health. Sigh….

the main question would be, What am I doing blogging when I’m supposed to finish up my work???

Emotionless?? You think??

I think I’m emotionally inept. Incapable of feeling emotions instantly or rather expressing my emotions. I’m not saying I’m emotionless. It actually the opposite but until this day I still find it hard to express it. When I am totally wasted, everything seems and feels so easy to express and emotions just comes flooding in. But under ordinary circumstances I always find myself racking my brain on ways to response.

I have emotions. I get excited over something I like. I get angry over things that I don’t like. I feel sad when I hear sad things. I cry at sappy movies. I cry at sappy books. I cry in frustration. I laugh when I’m happy. I have all these emotions that I feel and yet at times I find myself loss of words or expression when people tell me things. So many people have gotten frustrated at me for my lack of emotions countless times. And I really don’t blame them. I mean who wouldn’t be?? There you are, telling me, your whole life story and talking about something you lost or care about and I just sit there absorbing everything but am speechless to the point that I can’t express how I truly feel. I do share whatever joy, pain, heartache , sorrow, happiness but when it comes to giving a response to it, I often am at war with words in my head. I’m not good with giving pep talks, I’m not good at giving instant comments on the issue at hand. When I say I’m not good, it actually means I suck at it…. BIG TIME…. but I do feel the same emotions that people feel when they tell me their stories. Get what I mean?

I am SO  complex that I express my emotions more in writing than in speech. Well, maybe when I am drunk it’s a whole different story but yea. It might be a disappointment to many of my friends but I can tell everyone one thing. I can be there physically and emotionally inside. I can be that quiet friend that lends her shoulder if you need to cry and I can be the one to entertain any emotion driven late call crisis. My answers or advises may not always be the rights ones but my ears is all yours to pour out your heart and soul to and your secrets are just as precious as mine to keep. And that is one promise I can keep till the day I die. See, I’m not such a bad friend after all. Well, not entirely…. I think… =)

Why this sudden post, you might be wondering. Just a random thought that entered my head and stayed awhile. =)